Requirements of Being Pagan

(Note: this is a lesson in sarcasm & satire)

In the next portion of Approaching Paganism, we’ll learn about some of the requirements of being a Pagan. Yes, as I’ve said before Paganism is a very broad term and there are many ways to be Pagan. But there are certain behavior patterns that we all must observe, or surely our communities and traditions will disintegrate.

1. Whenever anyone makes a statement like “many Pagans celebrate holiday X”, “X is a common Pagan practice” disregard all qualifiers like “many, some, common” etc. Interpret this as “all Pagans celebrate holiday X or practice Y form of meditation.”
2. Whatever reasons you were attracted to Paganism and the areas of Paganism you focus on (nature, magic, deities, a particular culture) those must be the reasons everyone is Pagan too! They may claim it’s something else, but clearly they’re just not seeing things clearly, and it is your sworn duty as a Pagan to help them “see the light”. If they resist, they are oppressing you!
3.  If you are worshiping and praying in a specific way, and others are not, it is your sworn duty to enlighten them to the fact that they aren’t “serious” Pagans. They are lazy, and the Gods don’t love them they way that they love you.
4. If you are a very mainstream, respectable sort of person .ow that you have arrived on the Pagan scene, everyone needs to accept you as their leader, cut off their beards/dreadlocks/green hair, and cease their poly/kinky/queer ways and stop wasting time praying, casting spells, indulging in cosplay and other childish nonsense (and there isn’t really a difference between these things either!) They need to don business suits, and get Real Grown-up Jobs (seriously they expect to be paid to do art or perform spiritual services! what nonsense!) After much protest, everyone will be grateful to you for reforming them and realize you were right all along!

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Polytheist Isn’t Greek for “Reactionary”

We are the Queens and Kings of the Polytheists- a word we act like we invented and have redefined for our purposes

Those silly Pagans only wanted to play- But rest assured, we’re here to Do the Work!

Surely those impious Humanists will soon be struck down by Zeus,

Who needs rights or human dignity? I’m a God-slave!

Born to serve a Higher Purpose, above those mere mortal fools!

Their hubris is not my own.

Silly feminists, getting upset over rapes in myths. Go back to college and take my class if you’re *really* serious!

We must smash the Monotheist Borg! So come join the Polytheist one instead!

Smash capitalism! I already have my Properly Spiritual artsy/academic/activist career. Have you given in to mainstream corporate fear? I’m a full-time mystic in the woods looking down at your plebeian ways. Care for an oracle reading? I’m only a vessel for the Gods, a puny insect they’d squish if I dare disobey. Still, I must be Their favorite!

Puck tells me the moral of this tale-

Discordians, experimental mages, Zen Druids, atheist witches, Radical Faeries (his favorite of course!) all have their role to play in this spiritual ecosystem…don’t forget all those beasts and plants that were not adaptable, that were too choosy in their niches or in finding a worthy mate- they are no longer here. Will that be your fate?

(Oh, does Puck from Shakespeare count as a pop culture being? He is older than Columbia…)

Not much of a poem, and not quite spoken word..but better than a prose rant I think!