Requirements of Being Pagan

(Note: this is a lesson in sarcasm & satire)

In the next portion of Approaching Paganism, we’ll learn about some of the requirements of being a Pagan. Yes, as I’ve said before Paganism is a very broad term and there are many ways to be Pagan. But there are certain behavior patterns that we all must observe, or surely our communities and traditions will disintegrate.

1. Whenever anyone makes a statement like “many Pagans celebrate holiday X”, “X is a common Pagan practice” disregard all qualifiers like “many, some, common” etc. Interpret this as “all Pagans celebrate holiday X or practice Y form of meditation.”
2. Whatever reasons you were attracted to Paganism and the areas of Paganism you focus on (nature, magic, deities, a particular culture) those must be the reasons everyone is Pagan too! They may claim it’s something else, but clearly they’re just not seeing things clearly, and it is your sworn duty as a Pagan to help them “see the light”. If they resist, they are oppressing you!
3.  If you are worshiping and praying in a specific way, and others are not, it is your sworn duty to enlighten them to the fact that they aren’t “serious” Pagans. They are lazy, and the Gods don’t love them they way that they love you.
4. If you are a very mainstream, respectable sort of person .ow that you have arrived on the Pagan scene, everyone needs to accept you as their leader, cut off their beards/dreadlocks/green hair, and cease their poly/kinky/queer ways and stop wasting time praying, casting spells, indulging in cosplay and other childish nonsense (and there isn’t really a difference between these things either!) They need to don business suits, and get Real Grown-up Jobs (seriously they expect to be paid to do art or perform spiritual services! what nonsense!) After much protest, everyone will be grateful to you for reforming them and realize you were right all along!

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