(Don’t Stop) Believing
As I look back at the past year and a half, much of it seems like a blur. I do have to say though, now it does seem like my life is actually going somewhere, I do not feel as stuck as I did a couple years ago. I realize now that it was a choice to see myself as stuck. My employment status does not define my life, but I was letting it. I put aspects of my relationship on hold, my spiritual life on hold while I meandered thru endless job-hunting. The Gods didn’t seem to answer my prayers when I asked for help, so I stopped believing in them. But what I really stopped believing in was myself. The funny thing is, after I had really drifted away from my spiritual path, doors started opening for me. I found a position doing research for an organization, and while the project ended in December 2011, I was invited to become an Experience Guide for a new program they were trying out, beginning in May 2012. I’ve been doing that work ever since, and and the social skills I’ve learned help me in the additional job I found in August. I’m working about 20-30 hrs a week at a department store, and I’ve been enjoying it pretty well. So perhaps an atheist would say that all this shows that I don’t need Gods after all. Maybe, but that’s not the message I’m getting out of this. I do believe that we all need to make our own efforts, the Gods don’t just rain down blessings on us when we don’t do anything to help ourselves. I needed to learn to become more confident and believe in myself, before I could really believe in powers beyond myself.
For the past couple years, I’d become involved with an independent Druid grove. It seemed a great fit, I felt comfortable with the people, and even took their introductory class, along with two other students. We were hoping to eventually become dedicants and initiates, but that was not to be. Winter 2012 if I recall correctly now, each of us were told that we would no longer be a part of the grove. This was really disappointing. I was kind of expecting it, as I knew the leaders were planning on moving too far away to be leading a Twin Cities based grove. But the way they talked to me about it was strange, something about how my magical energy “wasn’t right”. I got this phone call on a Sunday morning and considered skipping church because I was feeling too down about it. My fiance convinced me otherwise, and indeed I did feel quite better after I went to Unity. I may have doubts about Unity sometimes but one thing I do feel certain about them is that they are there for me when I need them. Pagan groups come and go, (depending on how you count it’s my 5th one) but Unity has been around a century and isn’t about to disappear in a puff of air. I’ve been struggling to figure out why most of these Pagan group-organizing attempts haven’t worked, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a lack of commitment on the part of the participants. Unfortunately, I fear the people who are more committed keep getting burned by slackers and give up, even after many attempts. Unity on the other hand, does have many committed volunteers and donors, but they also expect that as part of membership. If Pagan groups have no real expectation of commitment, then they will continue to fail. We can be understanding that some people have more time to offer, and some people have more money to offer, or good ritual space, or vehicles to share transportation, or skills in ritual planning, performing, media relations, counseling, spirit-work, finance and legal skills, and so forth. We all have something we can contribute, we should not be afraid to ask for contributions of many kinds.
I think sometimes Unity is a little heavy-handed about asking for money, and I feel like I’m forced to think about my pocketbook more than I’d like to when I go there, but they do emphasize that other contributions matter, and I give a little a month and try to remind myself that the pledge-nagging is more for people that actually can pay taxes. I could certainly volunteer more, though a barrier for me is that I can’t plan out my work schedule very far in advance. So long as I’m an “extra hand on deck” rather than a committee head, I can still sign up for things.
So I think we can find a happy medium between the Pagan-means-no-strings-attached mentality and the Must Give Everything to Church mentality (which Unity does not have- I am probably more sensitive based on my socioeconomic status relative to many other people in the church) Way more thoughts on community organizing but that’s it for now!